The X Files: I Want to Believe

I have never seen an episode of The X Files, so I wasn't sure if I should even review I Want to Believe. I remember going to see The X Files: The Movie on a date in high school and hated it. The girl I was with said I would have enjoyed it more if I were a fan of the television show.

So with that in mind, I actually hadn't decided to attend the screening of The X Files: I Want to Believe until an hour before the movie started. I am so glad I chose to attend, because the movie is great as a stand alone story. Admittedly there are things that would have meant more to me if I were a fan. I had no idea that Mulder and Scully had a kid together. Also, I have no idea who Skinner is, but when he appeared on screen ominous music played, so I assume he is important to Mulder and Scully's back story.

Let's start with some of this movie's strengths. Most of the lead actors are really strong. Gillian Anderson has always given me the creeps and I think she's a bit of a lune, but none of that shines through. In this film Scully is a doctor - no longer associated with the FBI. We see sides of her that are angry, compassionate, and more than a little obsessive. Amanda Pete is solid as usual. Her performance won't blow you away, but it doesn't turn you off either.

The two real stars of this film are David Duchovny, who just seems like one of the coolest mothers on the planet. I don't mean Fox Mulder. That guy seems like a real douche bag. Duchovny always brings this sense of being the baddest man in the room to a role. I Want to Believe is no exception. The other star is Billy Connoly, who like Duchovny very rarely misses the mark. He stars as Father Joe, a pedophile priest that may or may not have a psychic connection to a man abducting people and hacking them up. Billy Connoly is great! I cannot stress that enough. Admittedly, his Scottish accent might have something to do with how awesome he is, but he played Father Joe in a way that made me go from trusting Father Joe to despising him to thinking he was crazy to feeling sympathy and back again.

The movie is a thriller, but the script doesn't take itself so seriously that you're on pins and needles the whole time. Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz pepper their script with plenty of humor. Some of Mulder dialogue had me laughing out loud. There is also a great shot that features our president. I won't ruin it, but you'll laugh no matter what your politics are.

Finally, I have to give Carter and Spotnitz all the credit in the world for coming up with a story that couldn't be told on television. The movie revolves around a series of terribly graphic crimes that you could never get away with, and the action sequences are too big not to be viewed on the big screen.

Now I will concede that this is a summer movie, and no summer movie is void of problems. While most of the performances are great, I found it hard to stomach rapper/car pimper XZibit as FBI Agent Drummy. If he wasn't scowling, he wasn't onscreen at all.

The bigger problems come at the end. I am not giving anything away here, but story lines involving Father Joe and Scully respectively are wrapped up almost as an after thought. For all of the importance put on these two story lines, I think they deserve more resolution than they got.

I am confused and eager to see other reviews. Several of the early reviews that hit the press called the movie "sexy," but honestly I don't know what they're talking about. Aside from a single shot of a woman in a pool and a shot of Scully in a nightgown, there isn't much that can be considered sexy in the film. Also, I am interested to see if there is any reaction to the movie's stem cell research storyline that mirrors the reaction of some critics to the end of Million Dollar Baby.

Overall, the movie was great. I really appreciate the way Chris Carter and crew approached a second X Files movie. There are still die hard fans out there (including my wife), but even some of them (including my wife) have forgotten the necessary details to keep up with a convoluted continuation of the series finale. The X Files: I Want to Believe instead plays like an intense update of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

If I were a fan of The X Files television series, I probably would be willing to give this movie an A, but I wasn't. I did walk away plenty satisfied though. So, the Greek gives it a B+.

Independent's Day 3: The Wackness

If you read my reviews regularly, than you have one of two opinions about me. You either think 1)I don't like anything or 2)I'm a movie snob. I don't think either is true. I like a lot of movies ... and Wayne's World is my all time favorite, so you can't really call me a movie snob. I think it's a case of this summer leaving a lot to be desired. We have only had two blockbusters (Iron Man and Wall*E) that are worth the money your ticket was printed on, and that indy film that's sure to be a breakout either hasn't hit theatres yet or just isn't coming out this summer.

So with that lead in, you can probably tell I didn't like The Wackness. The movie is set in 1994 and at times you wonder if writer/director Jonathan Levine actually has a story to tell or if he just wants to remind you what year he graduated from high school. The dialogue is terrible. The acting (in a lot of cases) misses the mark. The cinematography at times tries to be trippy and artistic, but trust me, it's nothing you haven't seen before. The rest of the time it's nothing you can't see on a Seinfeld rerun. It runs for just over an hour and a half, but you would swear that hour and a half is actually three and a half hours if you didn't have a watch.

I mentioned that the acting misses the mark. That's true in the case of Josh Peck and his character Luke Shapiro. It's hard for me to believe that Peck really loved this script. Instead it seems to me that he's trying to get away from his pudgy, Nickelodeon past.

Shapiro isn't a nerd. He isn't popular. All of the cool kids by pot from him, so they respect him, but not enough to hang out with him, so he befriends Ben Kingsley's Dr. Jeffrey Squires. Kingsley just looks bored in this role - like he showed up for the paycheck and/or craft service table. This leads to the film's only bright spot, Squires' step daughter Stephanie played by Olivia Thirlby from Juno.

There's no doubt that Thirlby is going to be a huge star. She is terrific and really the only actor in the movie worth watching. She's got great delivery and comic timing and she's a sex symbol waiting to happen.

Alright, here's my long list of problems with the movie. First, do we really need 1994 nostalgia? It's fine to set your movie in 1994, but the OJ Simpson, Kurt Cobain, and Rudy Giuliani references are useless. Second, the script misses tons of chances to mine situations for comedy. Dr. Squires analyzes a Jamaican drug lord's dream. That could go any number of places, and it just died on the table. There wasn't a single laugh in the theatre. Next, I never ever need to see the Olsen twins in anything. Especially if it involves one of them making out with Gandhi.



Also, this movie committed what I believe is the unltimate cinematic sin - tipping it's hand and giving away the ending within the first half hour. And finally, does every independent coming-of-age comedy now have to have a climactic scene set to Mott the Hoople's "All the Young Dudes"? Don't get me wrong, it's an awesome song. I just don't need it to be the soundtrack to every moment a kid realizes what direction they want their lives to go in.

The Wackness left me feeling dumb and cheated. I want the hour and a half of my life back ... no, since the movie felt like it lasted three and a half hours, I want three and a half hours back.

The Greek gives it a D.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

This is going to not only be a review, but a something of an anatomy lesson. That's because in order to be fair to Hellboy 2, I need to explain how I review a movie.

I rate movies the way a teacher might grade a test or a paper. Every movie starts out with an A+. From there things can only go down hill. It's kind of like be innocent until proven guilty. Along the way I'll take a few things into consideration, for instance last night the company sponsoring the screener screwed up and put my wife and I in the front row. It's not Hellboy's fault. That way there are chances for bonus points.

Here's how the grading process went for Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.

The movie opens with a nice recap of the first Hellboy film and a very creative set up using puppets. A little weird, but come on, this is a movie about the son of the devil who lives as a human and has countless cats. No points off.

Then we're introduced to the movies villain with a genuinely creepy (not so much scary) attack on humanity. No points off. Hey, the villain's sidekick looks like a recycled creature from director Guillermo del Toro's last fantasy film Pan's Labyrinth!

Hellboy 2 falls from an A+ to a simple A.

Okay, there's the gang's compound. Hey, there's Abe Sapien! David Hyde Peirce did a great job with his voice in the first movie. What the hell? David Hyde Peirce isn't doing Abe's voice in this one? What a load of crap! A- for Hellboy 2.

Hey, Selma Blair still looks great. No points off.

Now back to the main villain - Prince Nauda. He's meeting with his father, the king of the underworld. They sword fight. Too much kung fu for an elf for my tastes. Oh, it looks like anything that happens to the Prince also happens to his twin sister. My heart kind of sinks, because we're less than 30 minutes in and I've already figured out how this one's gonna end. We're taking off a full letter grade. We stand at a B-.

Okay, we've got a new character with a cool look and some cool super powers.

(Sorry, that's the only picture I could find) No points off.

Oh, he's voiced by Seth MacFarlane...We're down to a C+.

Okay, let's fast forward through the middle of the movie, because that's kind of what the director did. Liz is pregnant. Abe falls in love with the villian's twin sister. Hellboy realizes that humans are afraid of him. We learn Hellboy's beer of choice is Tecate. Hellboy and Abe sing Barry Manilow's "I Can't Smile Without You," Hellboy gets stabbed and we skip to the end.

Alright, I don't want to give much away, but there's another monster that Guillermo del Torro borrowed from Pan's Laberynth.

The final battle between Hellboy and Prince Nauda is more jumping around than actual fighting, which is a let down. And like I mentioned earlier, I had already figured out how this was going to end. No points off. I can't deduct for the same thing twice.

So the movie is over and we're standing at a C+. Okay, let's talk about some things that were not Hellboy 2: The Golden Army or Guillermo del Torro's fault.

First off, I mentioned that the company holding the screener screwed up and didn't have seats saved for me, so I had to sit in the front row of the the theatre...in the left corner. There could have been some awesome stuff happenning on the right side of the screen. I'd never know. Secondly, my wife was annoying the crap out of me. Finally I felt a cold coming on.

So, I would say that the movie deserves a C+, but because factors beyond the director's control have likely influenced my opinion of the movie, I will add a point back on. Besides, that seems about where this movie should be. It's not a must see, and it's certainly not as good as Hellboy. It's a summer movie. I was expecting better.

The Greek gives it a B-.

Independent's Day 2: Bigger, Stronger, Faster

A documentary about steroids might not be something that appeals to everyone. The good news is that the documentaries of the 21st century aren't the documentaries that we remember from when we were in school. Love or hate Michael Moore, you have to admit that he helped change the documentary film genre for the better. That is an appropriate way to start this review since the same company that released Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 is behind Bigger Stronger Faster.

If you've never heard of the movie, take the time to get up to speed by watching the trailer.

The movie focuses on Chris Bell, a guy who has some solid biceps, but isn't by any means sporting the physique you might see inside any number of body building magazines. Chris is searching for the answers to a few questions.

1. Should it make you sad to know that your heroes are cheaters?
2. Why do his two brothers have no trouble using steroids, while he sees them as an immoral means to an end?
3. Does America really approach steroids in the right way?
4. Can you really blame athletes for using steroids, when their jobs depend on it?

The stories of Chris' two brothers more similarities than differences, but the two come off in very different ways. His older brother Mike failed in his attempt to become a college football star. He failed in his attempt to make it as a professional wrestler. And he failed at making a living as a body builder. He spends most of the documentary talking about how much he doesn't want to be average, but when you're a CPA in Poughkeepsie, NY you're just an average Joe - no matter how good your body looks. It's hard not to feel sympathy for Mike. He is sure he is destined for great things, and he'll do anything to make his dreams come true. That's why he moves to California in his 40s to make another run at becoming a star in the WWE. When Mike tells Chris that he hears his wife crying herself to sleep at night, you can't help but think Mike is so far gone, he may never be able to see the forest for the trees.

Chris' younger brother Mark is just an idiot. The guy comes off like a real piece of garbage, which is odd, because unlike Mike, Mark has a firm grasp on the reality of his situation. He is married with a kid. He owns his own gym and is an assistant high school football coach. He doesn't apologize for using steroids. In fact, he thinks people that don't use them are fools. But Mark is a fraud. He won't tell his parents that he uses. He flat out lies to his players. And his wife openly talks about what she has had to give up as a result of Mark's juicing.

Chris Bell presents both sides of the steroid argument in a very compelling way. Why is it okay for musicians and comedians to use beta blockers to relieve anxiety and students to use aderol to focus on their school work, but we freak out when the Tour De France champ is accused of blood doping? And Chris doesn't just find talking heads to interview. The movie features Chris' chats with Floyd Landis, Carl Lewis, Greg Valentino, and Ben Johnson to name a few. There are as many scenes that will shock you (Congressman Henry Waxler doesn't know what the laws on steroids are even though he is leading the charge against Major League Baseball) as there are scenes that will make you think (a number of doctors that refuse to say steroids can literally kill you) as there are scenes that will leave you in stitches (illegal immigrants being used to make "all natural" supplements).

The movie really made me think about my feelings on steroids. Do I still consider athletes that use steroids cheaters? Hell yes. Do I think steroid use should be against the law? Now, I don't really know how to answer that question.

Bigger Faster Stronger is one of those independent films that should really rise to the top in a summer flooded with awful movies. I am not saying it will. I am only saying that it should. If you (like me and so many other kids) grew up idolizing Hulk Hogan, were enthralled by the 1998 home run chase, or are a fan of any Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone movies you've got to see this movie! Even if you aren't it's still worth your money. Besides, it's an independent movie, so if you see it at the right theatre you can get a ticket for less than seven bucks.

The Greek gives it an A.

The Love Guru

Here's what you need to know before you go see The Love Guru:

1. Romany Malco is black.
2. Verne Troyer is a midget.
3. Mariska Hargitay has a funny name.
4. A man has a wiener.

These things are all important because they set up the majority of jokes in the film. Sadly (albeit not surprisingly) none of them are funny.

I am not sure who to blame for The Love Guru. The script is bad, so it never should have been given the green light. Mike Myers is really no longer culturally relevant, so there is no reason to believe this movie is going to be a hit. You have to wonder what the studio was thinking. Myers doesn't seem to care at all whether people are laughing, so you have to wonder why he even bothered to make the movie.

This movie left me with a lot of questions. How does Mike Myers still have the clout to get these kind of celebrity cameos (Jessica Simpson, Ben Kingsley, Steven Colbert, Val Kilmer)? Why does his head superimposed onto a 12-year-old body give me the creeps? How many ways (or times for that matter) can they draw a wiener? Why was the audience I saw this with laughing at all?

If you are yet to figure this out, my review is not good. Look, I'll admit there was a time I liked Mike Myers. Wayne's World is my favorite movie ever and when I was fifteen I quoted Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery like it was the Bible. I grew up, though. Myers clearly did not. The Love Guru is a retread of bits, voices, and jokes from the three Austin Powers films. Hell, even Verne Troyer is back.

Is there anything worth laughing at in The Love Guru? Well, Steven Colbert's five minutes on screen (spread out over three scenes) are typical Colbert gold and there are a few funny throw-away lines. They keep me from giving the movie an outright "F," but for the most part no, there really isn't a lot to laugh at. If you're in the mood for some comedy this summer I suggest you either go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Kung Fu Panda again or wait and hope Pineapple Express really is as good as it looks.

Here we are in the middle of June and Iron Man is still the only movie that has even peaked my interest this summer. It confirms my suspicions that 2008 is one of the worst summer blockbuster seasons ever! Thank God Wall*E opens in less than two weeks...but I digress. Back to The Love Guru. It sucks!

The Greek gives it a F+.

Independents Day 1: The Foot Fist Way

This year's summer blockbuster season has provided a few hits, but only one movie (Iron Man) that I would say was worth all of the hype. So, you can understand why I was happy to see my first independent movie of the season.

I had heard a lot about The Foot Fist Way. Truth be told Salt & I saw the red band trailer on funnyordie.com about a month and a half ago and since then have been quoting it to each other. And we're not alone, for as the trailer tells you Will Ferrell and his writing partner Adam McKay have been doing the same thing for the last year and they made it their mission to help The Foot Fist Way find a larger audience.

At first glance, The Foot Fist Way has everything going for it: a comedy superstar as a fan, the star of the movie had a surreal appearance on Conan O'Brien that created great Internet buzz. And did I mention that awesome red band trailer than popped up on funnyordie?



You can see why I was looking forward to this movie, so I jumped in the Murano and made the 15 minute drive from my house in Durham to Chapel Hill. The Varsity on Franklin Street is the only theatre in the Triangle currently showing The Foot Fist Way.

The Foot Fist Way tells the story of Fred Simmons (played perfectly by newcomer Danny McBride), a North Carolina Tae Kwon Do instructor who isn't lacking in self-confidence, but then again most of his admirers are pre-teens. His wife doesn't seem to like him all that much. He doesn't seem to have any friends outside of his dojo and he has trouble dealing with his clients.

The problem with The Foot Fist Way is outside of Fred's 12-year-old assistant Julio (Spencer Moreno) and his best friend Mike McAllister (played by director and North Carolina native Jody Hill) there really aren't any performances on par with McBride's. He's left without anyone to really play off of.

Like most comedies involving Will Ferrell, most of the best material is in the trailer. In fact, the red band trailer is so addictive, that if you plan on seeing the movie I would recommend not checking out the trailer. One viewing is just not enough, and this movie can't afford to give up any laughs.

There is a great scene about mid way through the movie when Fred and Mike take Julio and another student to meet their hero Chuck "the Truck" Wallace (Ben Best, who you might recognize from the party scene of Superbad). It involves some Tae Kwon Do and 12-year-old Julio eating cocaine. I realize that if you're a parent the thought of a 12-year-old on coke doesn't seem funny, but trust me, this movie pulls it off. Twenty minutes later there is a great confrontation between Fred and his wife Suzie (Mary Jane Bostic). I laughed only once in the time between the two scenes.

I hate to report it, but The Foot Fist Way is probably the most disappointing thing I've seen all summer. Yes, more disappointing than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Not worse mind you, just more disappointing. The cast and crew is already getting their next big shot. Will Ferrell has signed on to produce East Bound and Down, a movie about a burned out major league pitcher that returns to his hometown to teach junior high P.E. written by Best and Hill and starring McBride. That actually makes me happy, because The Foot Fist Way showed some promise. The funny moments were laugh out loud hilarious. I just wish there were more than six of them in the whole movie.

The Greek gives it a C+.

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Before you go any further in reading this review, you'll notice that I have changed the score for Ironman from a B to an A-. It seems this summer I am gonna have to score everything in relation to what else is out there, and we've had two weeks of major releases that are not meant for adults in any way, shape, or form. So, congrats Ironman!

Now onto Indy! I have to admit, my expectations for this movie could not have been any lower. I saw the three Star Wars prequels, so I am weary of anything with George Lucas' name on it. If I said I was a fan of Steven Spielberg at all, you would have every right to call me a liar. And in all honesty, I think I'm the only guy on the planet that doesn't really like Harrison Ford unless he's playing Han Solo. All that said, I didn't hate this movie.

Let's start with a little history. Before Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was even a blip on the radar of film executives, there were two other Indy scripts that never made it into production. One was called Indiana Jones and the Monkey God. The other was called Indiana Jones & the Saucer Men from Mars. I tell you this, because one of these scripts was obviously recycled to create Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. By the way, because I found this online, I'll share some concept art from The Saucer Men from Mars with you.

It's kind of hard to review this movie as a whole. The first thirty minutes were very boring. The middle wasn't great, but it was a lot of fun. The end was so cheesy it could have been ordered from Domino's.

The returning cast was solid. Harrison Ford is as snarky as ever as Dr. Henry Jones Jr. In fact, the only real humor in the new movie comes from Indy's one-liners. For all of the talk about how horribly Karen Allen has aged, she doesn't look terrible.



And she can still hold her own as Marion.

The problem is the new cast. Shia LeBouf isn't a bad actor. He just picks cheesy, awful roles. For the most part his character Mutt Williams is no exception. Mutt is a stereotype of a 50s greaser - always riding a motorcycle, combing his hair, and playing with a switchblade.

I did learn a few things about 50s motorcycle etiquette from his character. For instance, in the 1950s motorcycles were apparently fast enough to catch trains and you could ride them on train platforms, airport tarmacs and through university libraries without anyone batting an eye.

The worst new character is Irina Spalko, a Soviet scientist and mentalist played by Cate Blanchett, who I'm told is a great actress. Either she forgot how to act, or there are two Cate Blanchettes in the world, because the person playing Spalko looks like Lily Tomlin and couldn't decide whether she was supposed to speak with a Russian, German, or British accent.

The problem with Steven Spielberg sequels is rather than try to create a new stories with familiar characters, Spielberg tries to sneak in as many callbacks to the previous films in the series as possible. That is certainly the case here until we get to a chase scene that includes a very entertaining battle between Mutt & Irina, a scene that leads you to believe the line "Monkeys. Why did it have to be monkeys?" is imminent, and then a scene that let's you know the signature line of the next movie in the series will be "Ants. Why did it have to be ants?"



Here's what I'll say: if you're a big fan of the Indiana Jones series, then you have to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in theatres. The scenery and battle sequences are big and there's no real way to enjoy them if they aren't on a giant screen. If you're a casual fan wait for the DVD release. The movie is 2 hours and 4 minutes long, and it would have been just as good (if not better) if it were half as long.

The Greek gives it a C+