Independent's Day 2: Bigger, Stronger, Faster

A documentary about steroids might not be something that appeals to everyone. The good news is that the documentaries of the 21st century aren't the documentaries that we remember from when we were in school. Love or hate Michael Moore, you have to admit that he helped change the documentary film genre for the better. That is an appropriate way to start this review since the same company that released Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 is behind Bigger Stronger Faster.

If you've never heard of the movie, take the time to get up to speed by watching the trailer.

The movie focuses on Chris Bell, a guy who has some solid biceps, but isn't by any means sporting the physique you might see inside any number of body building magazines. Chris is searching for the answers to a few questions.

1. Should it make you sad to know that your heroes are cheaters?
2. Why do his two brothers have no trouble using steroids, while he sees them as an immoral means to an end?
3. Does America really approach steroids in the right way?
4. Can you really blame athletes for using steroids, when their jobs depend on it?

The stories of Chris' two brothers more similarities than differences, but the two come off in very different ways. His older brother Mike failed in his attempt to become a college football star. He failed in his attempt to make it as a professional wrestler. And he failed at making a living as a body builder. He spends most of the documentary talking about how much he doesn't want to be average, but when you're a CPA in Poughkeepsie, NY you're just an average Joe - no matter how good your body looks. It's hard not to feel sympathy for Mike. He is sure he is destined for great things, and he'll do anything to make his dreams come true. That's why he moves to California in his 40s to make another run at becoming a star in the WWE. When Mike tells Chris that he hears his wife crying herself to sleep at night, you can't help but think Mike is so far gone, he may never be able to see the forest for the trees.

Chris' younger brother Mark is just an idiot. The guy comes off like a real piece of garbage, which is odd, because unlike Mike, Mark has a firm grasp on the reality of his situation. He is married with a kid. He owns his own gym and is an assistant high school football coach. He doesn't apologize for using steroids. In fact, he thinks people that don't use them are fools. But Mark is a fraud. He won't tell his parents that he uses. He flat out lies to his players. And his wife openly talks about what she has had to give up as a result of Mark's juicing.

Chris Bell presents both sides of the steroid argument in a very compelling way. Why is it okay for musicians and comedians to use beta blockers to relieve anxiety and students to use aderol to focus on their school work, but we freak out when the Tour De France champ is accused of blood doping? And Chris doesn't just find talking heads to interview. The movie features Chris' chats with Floyd Landis, Carl Lewis, Greg Valentino, and Ben Johnson to name a few. There are as many scenes that will shock you (Congressman Henry Waxler doesn't know what the laws on steroids are even though he is leading the charge against Major League Baseball) as there are scenes that will make you think (a number of doctors that refuse to say steroids can literally kill you) as there are scenes that will leave you in stitches (illegal immigrants being used to make "all natural" supplements).

The movie really made me think about my feelings on steroids. Do I still consider athletes that use steroids cheaters? Hell yes. Do I think steroid use should be against the law? Now, I don't really know how to answer that question.

Bigger Faster Stronger is one of those independent films that should really rise to the top in a summer flooded with awful movies. I am not saying it will. I am only saying that it should. If you (like me and so many other kids) grew up idolizing Hulk Hogan, were enthralled by the 1998 home run chase, or are a fan of any Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone movies you've got to see this movie! Even if you aren't it's still worth your money. Besides, it's an independent movie, so if you see it at the right theatre you can get a ticket for less than seven bucks.

The Greek gives it an A.

The Love Guru

Here's what you need to know before you go see The Love Guru:

1. Romany Malco is black.
2. Verne Troyer is a midget.
3. Mariska Hargitay has a funny name.
4. A man has a wiener.

These things are all important because they set up the majority of jokes in the film. Sadly (albeit not surprisingly) none of them are funny.

I am not sure who to blame for The Love Guru. The script is bad, so it never should have been given the green light. Mike Myers is really no longer culturally relevant, so there is no reason to believe this movie is going to be a hit. You have to wonder what the studio was thinking. Myers doesn't seem to care at all whether people are laughing, so you have to wonder why he even bothered to make the movie.

This movie left me with a lot of questions. How does Mike Myers still have the clout to get these kind of celebrity cameos (Jessica Simpson, Ben Kingsley, Steven Colbert, Val Kilmer)? Why does his head superimposed onto a 12-year-old body give me the creeps? How many ways (or times for that matter) can they draw a wiener? Why was the audience I saw this with laughing at all?

If you are yet to figure this out, my review is not good. Look, I'll admit there was a time I liked Mike Myers. Wayne's World is my favorite movie ever and when I was fifteen I quoted Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery like it was the Bible. I grew up, though. Myers clearly did not. The Love Guru is a retread of bits, voices, and jokes from the three Austin Powers films. Hell, even Verne Troyer is back.

Is there anything worth laughing at in The Love Guru? Well, Steven Colbert's five minutes on screen (spread out over three scenes) are typical Colbert gold and there are a few funny throw-away lines. They keep me from giving the movie an outright "F," but for the most part no, there really isn't a lot to laugh at. If you're in the mood for some comedy this summer I suggest you either go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Kung Fu Panda again or wait and hope Pineapple Express really is as good as it looks.

Here we are in the middle of June and Iron Man is still the only movie that has even peaked my interest this summer. It confirms my suspicions that 2008 is one of the worst summer blockbuster seasons ever! Thank God Wall*E opens in less than two weeks...but I digress. Back to The Love Guru. It sucks!

The Greek gives it a F+.

Independents Day 1: The Foot Fist Way

This year's summer blockbuster season has provided a few hits, but only one movie (Iron Man) that I would say was worth all of the hype. So, you can understand why I was happy to see my first independent movie of the season.

I had heard a lot about The Foot Fist Way. Truth be told Salt & I saw the red band trailer on funnyordie.com about a month and a half ago and since then have been quoting it to each other. And we're not alone, for as the trailer tells you Will Ferrell and his writing partner Adam McKay have been doing the same thing for the last year and they made it their mission to help The Foot Fist Way find a larger audience.

At first glance, The Foot Fist Way has everything going for it: a comedy superstar as a fan, the star of the movie had a surreal appearance on Conan O'Brien that created great Internet buzz. And did I mention that awesome red band trailer than popped up on funnyordie?



You can see why I was looking forward to this movie, so I jumped in the Murano and made the 15 minute drive from my house in Durham to Chapel Hill. The Varsity on Franklin Street is the only theatre in the Triangle currently showing The Foot Fist Way.

The Foot Fist Way tells the story of Fred Simmons (played perfectly by newcomer Danny McBride), a North Carolina Tae Kwon Do instructor who isn't lacking in self-confidence, but then again most of his admirers are pre-teens. His wife doesn't seem to like him all that much. He doesn't seem to have any friends outside of his dojo and he has trouble dealing with his clients.

The problem with The Foot Fist Way is outside of Fred's 12-year-old assistant Julio (Spencer Moreno) and his best friend Mike McAllister (played by director and North Carolina native Jody Hill) there really aren't any performances on par with McBride's. He's left without anyone to really play off of.

Like most comedies involving Will Ferrell, most of the best material is in the trailer. In fact, the red band trailer is so addictive, that if you plan on seeing the movie I would recommend not checking out the trailer. One viewing is just not enough, and this movie can't afford to give up any laughs.

There is a great scene about mid way through the movie when Fred and Mike take Julio and another student to meet their hero Chuck "the Truck" Wallace (Ben Best, who you might recognize from the party scene of Superbad). It involves some Tae Kwon Do and 12-year-old Julio eating cocaine. I realize that if you're a parent the thought of a 12-year-old on coke doesn't seem funny, but trust me, this movie pulls it off. Twenty minutes later there is a great confrontation between Fred and his wife Suzie (Mary Jane Bostic). I laughed only once in the time between the two scenes.

I hate to report it, but The Foot Fist Way is probably the most disappointing thing I've seen all summer. Yes, more disappointing than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Not worse mind you, just more disappointing. The cast and crew is already getting their next big shot. Will Ferrell has signed on to produce East Bound and Down, a movie about a burned out major league pitcher that returns to his hometown to teach junior high P.E. written by Best and Hill and starring McBride. That actually makes me happy, because The Foot Fist Way showed some promise. The funny moments were laugh out loud hilarious. I just wish there were more than six of them in the whole movie.

The Greek gives it a C+.