Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

This is going to not only be a review, but a something of an anatomy lesson. That's because in order to be fair to Hellboy 2, I need to explain how I review a movie.

I rate movies the way a teacher might grade a test or a paper. Every movie starts out with an A+. From there things can only go down hill. It's kind of like be innocent until proven guilty. Along the way I'll take a few things into consideration, for instance last night the company sponsoring the screener screwed up and put my wife and I in the front row. It's not Hellboy's fault. That way there are chances for bonus points.

Here's how the grading process went for Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.

The movie opens with a nice recap of the first Hellboy film and a very creative set up using puppets. A little weird, but come on, this is a movie about the son of the devil who lives as a human and has countless cats. No points off.

Then we're introduced to the movies villain with a genuinely creepy (not so much scary) attack on humanity. No points off. Hey, the villain's sidekick looks like a recycled creature from director Guillermo del Toro's last fantasy film Pan's Labyrinth!

Hellboy 2 falls from an A+ to a simple A.

Okay, there's the gang's compound. Hey, there's Abe Sapien! David Hyde Peirce did a great job with his voice in the first movie. What the hell? David Hyde Peirce isn't doing Abe's voice in this one? What a load of crap! A- for Hellboy 2.

Hey, Selma Blair still looks great. No points off.

Now back to the main villain - Prince Nauda. He's meeting with his father, the king of the underworld. They sword fight. Too much kung fu for an elf for my tastes. Oh, it looks like anything that happens to the Prince also happens to his twin sister. My heart kind of sinks, because we're less than 30 minutes in and I've already figured out how this one's gonna end. We're taking off a full letter grade. We stand at a B-.

Okay, we've got a new character with a cool look and some cool super powers.

(Sorry, that's the only picture I could find) No points off.

Oh, he's voiced by Seth MacFarlane...We're down to a C+.

Okay, let's fast forward through the middle of the movie, because that's kind of what the director did. Liz is pregnant. Abe falls in love with the villian's twin sister. Hellboy realizes that humans are afraid of him. We learn Hellboy's beer of choice is Tecate. Hellboy and Abe sing Barry Manilow's "I Can't Smile Without You," Hellboy gets stabbed and we skip to the end.

Alright, I don't want to give much away, but there's another monster that Guillermo del Torro borrowed from Pan's Laberynth.

The final battle between Hellboy and Prince Nauda is more jumping around than actual fighting, which is a let down. And like I mentioned earlier, I had already figured out how this was going to end. No points off. I can't deduct for the same thing twice.

So the movie is over and we're standing at a C+. Okay, let's talk about some things that were not Hellboy 2: The Golden Army or Guillermo del Torro's fault.

First off, I mentioned that the company holding the screener screwed up and didn't have seats saved for me, so I had to sit in the front row of the the theatre...in the left corner. There could have been some awesome stuff happenning on the right side of the screen. I'd never know. Secondly, my wife was annoying the crap out of me. Finally I felt a cold coming on.

So, I would say that the movie deserves a C+, but because factors beyond the director's control have likely influenced my opinion of the movie, I will add a point back on. Besides, that seems about where this movie should be. It's not a must see, and it's certainly not as good as Hellboy. It's a summer movie. I was expecting better.

The Greek gives it a B-.