Bolt

Okay, if you listen to the show you know that I have something of a soft spot for the Walt Disney Company. I grew up watching the movies. My family vacation was to Disney World in Orlando every year. I worked for the Disney Store while I was in college. There is probably a good chance I cannot give an unbiased review of Disney's latest offering, Bolt. Also, my wife and I don't have kids. So that means that we can't enjoy it from the stand point of being parents, which is also probably an unfair way to review the movie.

Bolt isn't all bad. It really isn't all that good though. It clocks in at just about 95 minutes and maybe 30 of those are enjoyable. The problem is they are all at the end, so by the time anything funny or visually stunning hits the screen adults are already bored out of their skulls.

The movie has good characters. Every moment Rhino the hamster is on screen is enjoyable. Pigeons are used to represent the locals in each town Bolt and his cohorts visit. The New York pigeons (which are recycled versions of the Goodfeathers from the animated series Animaniacs)



are all very funny and the Hollywood pigeons are even better. Look out for a delightful cameo from stand up comedian Nick Swardson!

Visually Bolt is at it's best when we follow Bolt, Rhino, and alley cat Mittens as they travel across America. The Las Vegas sequence is breathtaking and ends with a nice homage to Ocean's 11.

What was Bolt missing? A lot. The jokes all seemed to just kind of miss the mark. None of them were terribly funny. There was nothing about Bolt, his owner Penny, or really any other character that made me emotionally connected to them. Mittens' back story is the only one that kind of tugs at your heart strings.

I really hate this push towards digital animation. I enjoy a Pixar movie as much as anyone, but Bolt is digitally animated just for the sake of being digitally animated. It made me long for the hand-drawn Disney Classics I grew up on like Peter Pan and Pinocchio. Hell, Disney animators did things with Dumbo that are still mind blowing to this day. Digital animation takes out the innovation and invention that made Disney special and different to begin with.

I really wanted to like Bolt. I really did. I have been following the progress of the movie for a while. You can get the whole story on the film that used to be called American Dog here. Trust me, that article is more interesting than the movie.

The Greek gives it a C.

Soul Men

Based on trailers and previews it's very easy to dismiss Soul Men as just another black comedy. You might expect a lot of high pitch voices and white people being made to look like nerd, but look a little longer and think about it for a bit. You might realize that Soul Men is something all it's own.

You could mistake the new film starring Samuel L. Jackson and the late Bernie Mac as nothing more than an Afro-centric remake of Blues Brothers. You have two guys who used to be popular soul singers trying to get back on top. There are certainly elements of the John Landis classic, but the movie is also filled with elements of Ron Shelton's Play it to the Bone, the aforementioned Blues Brothers, and even a little bit of Spike Lee's The Original Kings of Comedy - because Bernie Mac brings a lot of himself and his stand up material to the role.

The movie is nothing to write home about. It's not going to bring home any awards or be included on my year end top 10 list. It is a lot of fun though. Mac and Jackson have great chemistry and play off of each other very well. The musical sequences are all very memorable. Jennifer Coolidge has a solid five minute cameo. Sharon Leal looks incredibly sexy in a role that is very similar to her role in Dreamgirls - she was the one that wasn't Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson.

The movie's biggest treat comes as the closing credits role. They are laid over a fifteen minute tribute to Bernie Mac, who died of pneumonia earlier this year. If, like me, you loved Mac in The Original Kings of Comedy and his Fox TV show, but have found his more recent work insufferable, this will remind you what you liked about Mac to begin with. The short tribute really paints the picture of what it must have been like to work with Mac, and it looks like an experience that those that had it will always cherish.

Soul Men isn't without it's down falls - the biggest of which is Affion Crockett. I wanted to walk out every time this guy popped up on screen. The other down falls are all acting related as well. Adam Herschman and Sean Hayes are just awful as this movies goofy white men.

In actuality I have more positive to say about Soul Men than I do negative, but nothing so great that I can justify pushing my grade above a B-. I do think this is the kind of movie that could get better with age. It's the kind of movie that has been missing from theatres lately - a music based comedy. Not a musical, but a comedy with great musical elements. Also, with Mac's death there is no way for producers and Hollywood executives to ruin what was fun about the original with a lack luster sequel. It sounds morbid, but to me that's a positive.

THE GREEK GIVES IT A B-.

Max Payne

I am doing my best to not seem like a film snob on this blog. That was the attitude I took with me into the Rialto on Wednesday morning when Salt & I were given an opportunity to see Max Payne. I really did try to like it. I tried to appreciate the movie for what it is - a mindless, fun action flick. I even tried to have my opinion swayed by Salt, who is more apt to enjoy a mindless action movie that I am. I texted him later in the afternoon to find out what he thought.

"It was the worst" he texted back. Wow, the worst?

I admit, what I liked about the movie was the way it was filmed. Max Payne is based on the video game of the same name, and I appreciate director John Moore's attempt to make the film look like the video game - the screen flashes red whenever Max gets hit, the film is not well lit by any means, it makes use of bullet time and there are a lot of sequences that feature Mark Wahlberg diving in slow motion.

Check out the trailer for the 2001 video game.

Hell, Mark Wahlberg even looks like the video game character a little bit, no?

My list of problems with the film begin with a biggie! There were plot holes in the script so big you could drive a cruise ship through. That's the problem with trying to adapt a video game for the big screen - a video game is usually about 6 - 8 hours of story, because they manufacturers don't expect players to hammer it out in one night. A movie (especially one like Max Payne) has 2 hours at most. Either you need a screenwriter that can work magic or you need to commit to making two movies. Max Payne employed neither strategy. Hell, I didn't even know the name of two of the main characters until the final 15 minutes of the movie.

Secondly, does Mila Kunis really need to be involved in a movie like this? I think she's funny. She's certainly beautiful, and I'm sure she's plenty talented. I just can't watch her run around firing machine guns and killing people only to have Meg Griffin's voice come out of her mouth.

Can you say an action movie based on a video game or comic book is predicable? Because that is complaint number three. The movie is completely devoid of surprises.

I started to weigh the positives and the negatives of the movie and realized that making a movie look like a video game is a fun novelty, but not something that you should be hanging your hat on. The effects and recreations of some scenes from the source material are fun, but not enough to save this turd from it's eventual destination.

So I've used a lot of words to make my point and probably wasted a lot of your time. Maybe I should have just printed Salt's second text message as my review.

"Trite. Boring. Predictable and the plot had some big holes."

The Greek gives it a D.

Choke

Hmmm...where to begin with Choke. I tried to review my notes, but I only have two.

1. I think that's Sara Silverman's sister Laura playing Paige. (It wasn't.)
2. Sam Rockwell is very funny. (He was.)

You would think that not having a ton of notes to review would mean that I enjoyed myself very much. That's not true, but I also can't say that I hated the movie. The funny moments in Choke are very funny. The problem is that the movie doesn't really have a plot, so much as it has a collection of funny moments.

Okay, that's not totally fair. Choke does have a plot - A sex addict with a mother in a home for Alzheimer's patients earns extra money by pretending to choke and have people save him. He might be the son of Jesus, and he's in love with a woman he meets at the home - it's just kind of all over the place.

I will be the first to tell you that I am not a Chuck Palahniuk reader and while I liked the film adaptation of Fight Club, I don't think it's the greatest film ever made. So, maybe it's me, but I think Choke is at it's best when it doesn't try to have a heart. The film is funniest when Sam Rockwell's Victor is having sex with strangers and we hear his voice over. If you're a Palahniuk reader you might like it more, but as for me the Greek gives it a C.

Ghost Town

Ghost Town isn't the kind of movie that's going to set the world on fire. That is one thing I can say with absolute certainty. The movie is a formulaic and predictable romantic comedy. What sets it apart from most formulaic and predictable romantic comedies is Rickey Gervais.

It's great to see England's best export since Led Zeppelin land a role in a film that keeps him on screen longer than fifteen minutes. His character, Bertrum Pincus, is the kind of role actors usually take for a quick buck. If he were played by Matthew McConaughey, Bertrum would be just another jerk, but in Gervais' capable hands his mean streak is just a little meaner. His selfishness is detestable, but in a way he is also incredibly likable.

Gervais is so good in fact, that the only time I didn't wish Greg Kinnear weren't in the film was when he shared the screen with Gervais. There is something about these movies, that makes most actors sleep walk through them. Gervais (somehow) pulls the best out of everyone he is on screen with - especially Kinnear.

It's always great to see Kristin Wiig get work, especially when she is adding another great cameo to her résumé. Like her work in Knocked Up and Walk Hard,



her role in Ghost Town provides enough laughs to make her memorable no matter how little time she spends on the screen.

The movie has a great soundtrack. You probably have to be a Hangover Cafe listener to really appreciate it, but the soundtrack is full of bouncy acoustic pop songs (honestly, the kind of soundtrack you would expect a movie like this to have) that stop short of being annoying



and is instead a real pleasure.



Like I said, Ghost Town isn't the kind of movie that's going to set the world on fire. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that you will see at least 15 better movies this year...and that's assuming you see 20 movies this year. However, if your chick is up for a chick flick you could do a lot worse. At least Rickey Gervais will provide you with plenty of laughs. Think of him as Seth Rogen...only British...and 40.

The Greek gives it a B-.

Righteous Kill

I take pride in being able to spot the twist ending in a film long before we get there, and I'll be the first to admit that I judge those movies harshly when they telegraph their passes. So, obviously when I am duped I tend to be pretty impressed with a film.

That is definitely the case with Righteous Kill, the latest offering from new kid on the block (no pun intended...more on that to come) Overture Films. The studio opened in 2006 and based on the cast, one can guess that Righteous Kill probably sports a higher budget than anything the studio has released so far. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are the headliners, but the supporting cast is filled with surprising performances from some big names.

The movie opens with surveillance footage of Robert De Niro's character Turk reading a murder confession. That means we know the killer gets caught, so rather than sit through the movie trying to figure out who the killer is or will he get away with it, you're watching to find out why a cop turned into a killer and just how his comrades catch him. The story isn't told with the same inventiveness of Memento, but splicing footage and voice overs from Turk's confession with footage of the murders in question and conversations that take place right before the trigger is pulled is very cool.

The acting is great. You know you're going to get something special from De Niro and Pacino might just be Heath Ledger's best competition for an Oscar so far (surprising since Pacino has been screaming his way through most roles lately). The story regarding the movie goes something like this. Robert De Niro called Al Pacino personally to ask him to be in the movie. Whatever their relationship is away from the cameras, the two are very comfortable together on camera. It's easy to believe that their characters have been partners for almost 30 years.

It's the supporting cast that really sets Righteous Kill apart from most cop dramas. John Leguizamo, who is always good, plays Simon Perez as the kind of hot head that hates De Niro's Turk because he knows that's him in 20 years. The real surprises are a couple of musicians turned actors. New Kid Donnie Wahlberg and rapper 50 Cent (billed here as Curtis Jackson) are both great! Wahlberg plays Perez's partner Ted Reiley. 50 Cent plays drug dealer Spider better than he played a stylized version of himself in Get Rich or Die Tryin'.

The movie is not without its problems, but the one that really jumps out at me can be forgiven. There are a lot of sex scenes between Carla Gugino's Detective Corelli and Turk are largely unnecessary, but any chance to see Carla Gugino in her bra is appreciated.

So you know the final resolution to the murder investigation is revealed in the first five minutes...or is it? The twist is a nice one. In fact, the twist has me considering paying to see Righteous Kill again, and for someone as cynical as me when it comes to movies, that's saying a lot.

The Greek gives it an A.

Traitor

If there was ever a trailer that deserved an Oscar, it is the trailer for Traitor.



Whoever put it together took a two hour movie and gave away every twist, turn and secret in just over two minutes. Best Editing in my book, because Traitor is a good movie. It's an interesting movie. It's just not good enough or interesting enough to hold me for two hours.

The acting is actually pretty good. Don Cheadle plays double agent Samir Horn as a conflicted man of faith. He's a Muslim, and recognizes that the West is more often than not a hostile place for his faith, but at the same time he sees fanatical Muslims as the true enemies of Islam. If you haven't seen the trailer, you might be asking yourself as far as an hour into the movie just who's side this guy is on.

Guy Pearce (who seems too good for what amounts to a b-level episode of 24) does his best Brad Pitt impersonation. That doesn't seem like it should be a compliment, but look at him.


Look familiar?


And just wait till you hear Pearce's Agent Clayton speak! He sounds like Rusty Ryan from the Ocean's series if he grew up in Arkansas.

Saying a guy does a good Brad Pitt impersonation doesn't seem like it should be a compliment if he isn't a SNL cast member, but that's clearly what writer/director Jeffery Nachmanoff wanted. It seems like this role was written for Pitt and either Nachmanoff didn't get the necessary financing or Pitt decided the role was too small.

Another strength is the movie's explosions. I assume they're very realistic. They feel very real, but I can't say for sure. I've never had the pleasure of being involved in an explosion of anything larger than a light bulb. (A side note here: if for whatever reason you put part of a potato chip bag on your lamp and it starts to smoke, your nine-year-old brain might think it's a good idea to remove the smoldering bits with a damp wash cloth...not as smart as it seems in your head!) Traitor's explosions are loud, violent and gory, but unedited news footage gory with bodies being jarred and smashed around like rag dolls. You know when each explosion is coming, but you're never really ready for any of them.

Now let's get to the flaws, because there aren't enough to drag the film down, but there are some small ones that annoyed me. First of all, I saw two Middle Eastern actors that I recognized as henchman from past seasons of 24 in the film's first ten minutes. Maybe Hollywood needs to search a little deeper in the Arabic actor pool. Okay, that's not a flaw...more of an odd bit of info you might not need.

Jeff Daniels isn't in the film long enough for you to even learn his name. The trailer made me think that he was going to have more screen time than Guy Pearce. If you add up all of Harry from Dumb & Dumber's scenes he might be on screen for about ten minutes.

Jeff Nachmanoff is no stranger to controversial fare. His script, The Day After Tomorrow somehow started a global warming controversy for conservatives. This script is no different. Traitor deals with both sides of the war on terror and shows that each side sees the struggle in black and white. The problem is, if I am supposed to walk away from this with a little bit of sympathy for the terrorists Nachmanoff failed. He writes them in only the slightest shade of gray - not gray enough to change any minds.

If it's not for the trailer, this movie would get an A in my book. The people in the theatre I saw the movie at gave the ending a loud ovation, and I thought it was clever enough to warrant such a response, but I already knew what was going to happen because I saw the trailer.

If you plan on seeing Traitor avoid any advertising for it!

The Greek gives it a B.

Independent's Day 4: American Teen

I have found the perfect metaphor for the 2008 summer movie season in American Teen. There is tons of hype around it. People are raving about it. And I don't see what the big deal is. American Teen is in line to be this year's Juno or Garden State - an angst-ridden coming of age story with tons of indy cred. Too bad that even though of those three this is the only one that is a documentary, it's also the one that feels the most fake.

Let me tell you a little bit about my thought process in going to see American Teen. I like indy flicks. I tend to be drawn to them like a moth to a flame. I have no real problem with documentaries. In fact, the best thing I've seen all year is Chris Bell's Bigger, Stronger Faster. I was in the right frame of mind for this movie and it just didn't deliver.

Like most movies I've seen since I started keeping this blog, it wasn't awful. It just left a lot to be desired. As far as mediocre movies go, it's a good mediocre movie...is that possible?

The producers picked four teens from Warsaw, Indiana to follow during their senior year at high school.

Colin (the jock),


Jake (the geek),


Megan (the popular girl/bitch)


and Hannah (the artsy girl/outcast/tortured soul).


The film's press materials claim it also follows Mitch (the hunk),

but the filmmakers are only interested in him because of his relationship with Hannah.

I know, from the outset this seems unbearable for anyone over 18. I really should have known what I was getting into. I HATE The Breakfast Club.

Turns out two of the teens' stories are really interesting. The other two are really what bring down the movie. Colin is the star of his high school basketball team. His dad was the star of the team when he was in high school. Now he's an Elvis impersonator. The pressure Colin and his father put on him to get a scholarship is really something that could leave you scratching your head. It turns him into a selfish player on the court and kind of a jerk off it. I was routing for Colin. His story really seemed the most authentic.

Hannah is the character I think most people are going to relate to. She doesn't like school, her parents, or her hometown. We see her get her heartbroken not once, but twice. It is almost like director Nanette Burstein went out of her way to make sure we like Hannah, and she succeeds. I saw a little bit of myself in her and I was honestly hoping to find out she got as far from Warsaw, Indiana as possible.

Jake is a geek that can't get a girl AND THAT'S ALL HE EVER TALKS ABOUT and that's boring. Megan is a bitch - plain and simple. She spends her time toilet papering people's yards because they didn't vote for the prom theme she wanted, running off any girls that are interested in her friend Geoff, and treating people like garbage that by the time you find out she had a sister that committed suicide you just don't care.

The movie felt scripted. I know Burstein has been dealing with these accusations ever since the movie was released, and believe me, I don't want to pile on. Too much just seems to happen at the most convenient times - Colin hits a game winning shot, Jake screws up a date with a girl that really likes him, the outcast and the hunk get together. It's shouldn't be hard to take the movie at face value, but it is easy to wonder if what you're seeing is legit.

One thing I loved about the movie was the use of animation. It was a creative way to introduce back stories and feelings that you couldn't put on film otherwise. And the filmmakers were so creative with the animation itself. Colin's animations look like notebook doodles. Jake's look like they came straight out of a video game. Hannah's look like a Tim Burton film. It helps hammer home feelings and background info that someone looking into a camera and crying could not.

There is a lot to like about American Teen. It's just that there is also a lot that will leave you wondering why you're waisting your time. What I walked away with is that kids in high school (for the most part) are douche bags in one way or another...and I didn't need a 95 minute movie to figure that out.

The Greek gives it a B.

Pineapple Express

Have you ever wondered how two people can watch the same thing and each see something completely different? That was certainly the case when my wife and I went to see Pineapple Express. I didn't think it was awful. The movie certainly had it's moments (including a very funny discussion of Buddhism and Reincarnation). My wife on the other hand was ready to go less than an hour in.

I will admit, that I had very high (no pun intended) for Judd Apatow's stoner comedy. The red band trailer made the movie look like something I couldn't afford to miss.



It looks like something completely new for the Apatow crew, right? A lot of action. Seth Rogan as "the responsible one." A buddy comedy that doesn't have a larger moral lesson. Turns out that not only is Pineapple Express really nothing new for producer Judd Apatow and writers Seth Rogan and Evan Goldberg. It's actually nothing new for this summer of crappy movies. That doesn't mean that Pineapple Express is awful. It's just another mediocre entry in what has been a very forgettable summer at the box office.

This movie isn't even really an action comedy. It's kind of like an Oreo cookie.



The two chocolate cookies in this case are comedy. The creamy filling is action. They taste great together, but they don't necessarily blend into one another. In fact, the film's climactic rescue scene feels a little out of place.

There really isn't a bad actor in the group, although I'm not sure how or why Rosie Perez landed a role in Pineapple Express. Seth Rogan's character Dale is what I imagine his Knocked Up character Ben Stone was like during that coming of age that was kind of skipped over. He's responsible enough to have a full time job, but not so buttoned up that he doesn't still spend most of his time stoned out of his gourd. James Franco did a bang up job as Sal. Since he really broke out in Spider-Man he hasn't really played a part like this and he did a great job.

It was nice to see Danny McBride pop up as middle-man Red. Even though I didn't really care for The Foot Fist Way, I still think he is very funny and has a bright future. Gary Cole delivers another great performance as kingpin Ted Jones.

Pineapple Express might be a break out for Craig Robinson. You probably recognize him as warehouse manager Darryl on The Office. If not, you may know him from just about every other Judd Apatow movie.



Could he be the next character actor Apatow turns into a leading man? I certainly hope not. I think one thing that Pineapple Express shows about Robinson is that he has a gift for creating quirky, supporting characters - like the doorman in Knocked Up.

I'm a fan of Seth Rogan, Evan Goldberg and Judd Apatow. I really expected this movie to blow me away and it just didn't. Superbad, Knocked Up, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall are all terrific comedies, but they are cut from the same mold - goofy, bawdy comedies with a ton of heart. I was ready to see something different. Pineapple Express proves the rule "if it ain't broke don't fix it." The movie isn't bad. Just forgettable.

The Greek gives it a B-.

The X Files: I Want to Believe

I have never seen an episode of The X Files, so I wasn't sure if I should even review I Want to Believe. I remember going to see The X Files: The Movie on a date in high school and hated it. The girl I was with said I would have enjoyed it more if I were a fan of the television show.

So with that in mind, I actually hadn't decided to attend the screening of The X Files: I Want to Believe until an hour before the movie started. I am so glad I chose to attend, because the movie is great as a stand alone story. Admittedly there are things that would have meant more to me if I were a fan. I had no idea that Mulder and Scully had a kid together. Also, I have no idea who Skinner is, but when he appeared on screen ominous music played, so I assume he is important to Mulder and Scully's back story.

Let's start with some of this movie's strengths. Most of the lead actors are really strong. Gillian Anderson has always given me the creeps and I think she's a bit of a lune, but none of that shines through. In this film Scully is a doctor - no longer associated with the FBI. We see sides of her that are angry, compassionate, and more than a little obsessive. Amanda Pete is solid as usual. Her performance won't blow you away, but it doesn't turn you off either.

The two real stars of this film are David Duchovny, who just seems like one of the coolest mothers on the planet. I don't mean Fox Mulder. That guy seems like a real douche bag. Duchovny always brings this sense of being the baddest man in the room to a role. I Want to Believe is no exception. The other star is Billy Connoly, who like Duchovny very rarely misses the mark. He stars as Father Joe, a pedophile priest that may or may not have a psychic connection to a man abducting people and hacking them up. Billy Connoly is great! I cannot stress that enough. Admittedly, his Scottish accent might have something to do with how awesome he is, but he played Father Joe in a way that made me go from trusting Father Joe to despising him to thinking he was crazy to feeling sympathy and back again.

The movie is a thriller, but the script doesn't take itself so seriously that you're on pins and needles the whole time. Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz pepper their script with plenty of humor. Some of Mulder dialogue had me laughing out loud. There is also a great shot that features our president. I won't ruin it, but you'll laugh no matter what your politics are.

Finally, I have to give Carter and Spotnitz all the credit in the world for coming up with a story that couldn't be told on television. The movie revolves around a series of terribly graphic crimes that you could never get away with, and the action sequences are too big not to be viewed on the big screen.

Now I will concede that this is a summer movie, and no summer movie is void of problems. While most of the performances are great, I found it hard to stomach rapper/car pimper XZibit as FBI Agent Drummy. If he wasn't scowling, he wasn't onscreen at all.

The bigger problems come at the end. I am not giving anything away here, but story lines involving Father Joe and Scully respectively are wrapped up almost as an after thought. For all of the importance put on these two story lines, I think they deserve more resolution than they got.

I am confused and eager to see other reviews. Several of the early reviews that hit the press called the movie "sexy," but honestly I don't know what they're talking about. Aside from a single shot of a woman in a pool and a shot of Scully in a nightgown, there isn't much that can be considered sexy in the film. Also, I am interested to see if there is any reaction to the movie's stem cell research storyline that mirrors the reaction of some critics to the end of Million Dollar Baby.

Overall, the movie was great. I really appreciate the way Chris Carter and crew approached a second X Files movie. There are still die hard fans out there (including my wife), but even some of them (including my wife) have forgotten the necessary details to keep up with a convoluted continuation of the series finale. The X Files: I Want to Believe instead plays like an intense update of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

If I were a fan of The X Files television series, I probably would be willing to give this movie an A, but I wasn't. I did walk away plenty satisfied though. So, the Greek gives it a B+.

Independent's Day 3: The Wackness

If you read my reviews regularly, than you have one of two opinions about me. You either think 1)I don't like anything or 2)I'm a movie snob. I don't think either is true. I like a lot of movies ... and Wayne's World is my all time favorite, so you can't really call me a movie snob. I think it's a case of this summer leaving a lot to be desired. We have only had two blockbusters (Iron Man and Wall*E) that are worth the money your ticket was printed on, and that indy film that's sure to be a breakout either hasn't hit theatres yet or just isn't coming out this summer.

So with that lead in, you can probably tell I didn't like The Wackness. The movie is set in 1994 and at times you wonder if writer/director Jonathan Levine actually has a story to tell or if he just wants to remind you what year he graduated from high school. The dialogue is terrible. The acting (in a lot of cases) misses the mark. The cinematography at times tries to be trippy and artistic, but trust me, it's nothing you haven't seen before. The rest of the time it's nothing you can't see on a Seinfeld rerun. It runs for just over an hour and a half, but you would swear that hour and a half is actually three and a half hours if you didn't have a watch.

I mentioned that the acting misses the mark. That's true in the case of Josh Peck and his character Luke Shapiro. It's hard for me to believe that Peck really loved this script. Instead it seems to me that he's trying to get away from his pudgy, Nickelodeon past.

Shapiro isn't a nerd. He isn't popular. All of the cool kids by pot from him, so they respect him, but not enough to hang out with him, so he befriends Ben Kingsley's Dr. Jeffrey Squires. Kingsley just looks bored in this role - like he showed up for the paycheck and/or craft service table. This leads to the film's only bright spot, Squires' step daughter Stephanie played by Olivia Thirlby from Juno.

There's no doubt that Thirlby is going to be a huge star. She is terrific and really the only actor in the movie worth watching. She's got great delivery and comic timing and she's a sex symbol waiting to happen.

Alright, here's my long list of problems with the movie. First, do we really need 1994 nostalgia? It's fine to set your movie in 1994, but the OJ Simpson, Kurt Cobain, and Rudy Giuliani references are useless. Second, the script misses tons of chances to mine situations for comedy. Dr. Squires analyzes a Jamaican drug lord's dream. That could go any number of places, and it just died on the table. There wasn't a single laugh in the theatre. Next, I never ever need to see the Olsen twins in anything. Especially if it involves one of them making out with Gandhi.



Also, this movie committed what I believe is the unltimate cinematic sin - tipping it's hand and giving away the ending within the first half hour. And finally, does every independent coming-of-age comedy now have to have a climactic scene set to Mott the Hoople's "All the Young Dudes"? Don't get me wrong, it's an awesome song. I just don't need it to be the soundtrack to every moment a kid realizes what direction they want their lives to go in.

The Wackness left me feeling dumb and cheated. I want the hour and a half of my life back ... no, since the movie felt like it lasted three and a half hours, I want three and a half hours back.

The Greek gives it a D.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

This is going to not only be a review, but a something of an anatomy lesson. That's because in order to be fair to Hellboy 2, I need to explain how I review a movie.

I rate movies the way a teacher might grade a test or a paper. Every movie starts out with an A+. From there things can only go down hill. It's kind of like be innocent until proven guilty. Along the way I'll take a few things into consideration, for instance last night the company sponsoring the screener screwed up and put my wife and I in the front row. It's not Hellboy's fault. That way there are chances for bonus points.

Here's how the grading process went for Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.

The movie opens with a nice recap of the first Hellboy film and a very creative set up using puppets. A little weird, but come on, this is a movie about the son of the devil who lives as a human and has countless cats. No points off.

Then we're introduced to the movies villain with a genuinely creepy (not so much scary) attack on humanity. No points off. Hey, the villain's sidekick looks like a recycled creature from director Guillermo del Toro's last fantasy film Pan's Labyrinth!

Hellboy 2 falls from an A+ to a simple A.

Okay, there's the gang's compound. Hey, there's Abe Sapien! David Hyde Peirce did a great job with his voice in the first movie. What the hell? David Hyde Peirce isn't doing Abe's voice in this one? What a load of crap! A- for Hellboy 2.

Hey, Selma Blair still looks great. No points off.

Now back to the main villain - Prince Nauda. He's meeting with his father, the king of the underworld. They sword fight. Too much kung fu for an elf for my tastes. Oh, it looks like anything that happens to the Prince also happens to his twin sister. My heart kind of sinks, because we're less than 30 minutes in and I've already figured out how this one's gonna end. We're taking off a full letter grade. We stand at a B-.

Okay, we've got a new character with a cool look and some cool super powers.

(Sorry, that's the only picture I could find) No points off.

Oh, he's voiced by Seth MacFarlane...We're down to a C+.

Okay, let's fast forward through the middle of the movie, because that's kind of what the director did. Liz is pregnant. Abe falls in love with the villian's twin sister. Hellboy realizes that humans are afraid of him. We learn Hellboy's beer of choice is Tecate. Hellboy and Abe sing Barry Manilow's "I Can't Smile Without You," Hellboy gets stabbed and we skip to the end.

Alright, I don't want to give much away, but there's another monster that Guillermo del Torro borrowed from Pan's Laberynth.

The final battle between Hellboy and Prince Nauda is more jumping around than actual fighting, which is a let down. And like I mentioned earlier, I had already figured out how this was going to end. No points off. I can't deduct for the same thing twice.

So the movie is over and we're standing at a C+. Okay, let's talk about some things that were not Hellboy 2: The Golden Army or Guillermo del Torro's fault.

First off, I mentioned that the company holding the screener screwed up and didn't have seats saved for me, so I had to sit in the front row of the the theatre...in the left corner. There could have been some awesome stuff happenning on the right side of the screen. I'd never know. Secondly, my wife was annoying the crap out of me. Finally I felt a cold coming on.

So, I would say that the movie deserves a C+, but because factors beyond the director's control have likely influenced my opinion of the movie, I will add a point back on. Besides, that seems about where this movie should be. It's not a must see, and it's certainly not as good as Hellboy. It's a summer movie. I was expecting better.

The Greek gives it a B-.

Independent's Day 2: Bigger, Stronger, Faster

A documentary about steroids might not be something that appeals to everyone. The good news is that the documentaries of the 21st century aren't the documentaries that we remember from when we were in school. Love or hate Michael Moore, you have to admit that he helped change the documentary film genre for the better. That is an appropriate way to start this review since the same company that released Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 is behind Bigger Stronger Faster.

If you've never heard of the movie, take the time to get up to speed by watching the trailer.

The movie focuses on Chris Bell, a guy who has some solid biceps, but isn't by any means sporting the physique you might see inside any number of body building magazines. Chris is searching for the answers to a few questions.

1. Should it make you sad to know that your heroes are cheaters?
2. Why do his two brothers have no trouble using steroids, while he sees them as an immoral means to an end?
3. Does America really approach steroids in the right way?
4. Can you really blame athletes for using steroids, when their jobs depend on it?

The stories of Chris' two brothers more similarities than differences, but the two come off in very different ways. His older brother Mike failed in his attempt to become a college football star. He failed in his attempt to make it as a professional wrestler. And he failed at making a living as a body builder. He spends most of the documentary talking about how much he doesn't want to be average, but when you're a CPA in Poughkeepsie, NY you're just an average Joe - no matter how good your body looks. It's hard not to feel sympathy for Mike. He is sure he is destined for great things, and he'll do anything to make his dreams come true. That's why he moves to California in his 40s to make another run at becoming a star in the WWE. When Mike tells Chris that he hears his wife crying herself to sleep at night, you can't help but think Mike is so far gone, he may never be able to see the forest for the trees.

Chris' younger brother Mark is just an idiot. The guy comes off like a real piece of garbage, which is odd, because unlike Mike, Mark has a firm grasp on the reality of his situation. He is married with a kid. He owns his own gym and is an assistant high school football coach. He doesn't apologize for using steroids. In fact, he thinks people that don't use them are fools. But Mark is a fraud. He won't tell his parents that he uses. He flat out lies to his players. And his wife openly talks about what she has had to give up as a result of Mark's juicing.

Chris Bell presents both sides of the steroid argument in a very compelling way. Why is it okay for musicians and comedians to use beta blockers to relieve anxiety and students to use aderol to focus on their school work, but we freak out when the Tour De France champ is accused of blood doping? And Chris doesn't just find talking heads to interview. The movie features Chris' chats with Floyd Landis, Carl Lewis, Greg Valentino, and Ben Johnson to name a few. There are as many scenes that will shock you (Congressman Henry Waxler doesn't know what the laws on steroids are even though he is leading the charge against Major League Baseball) as there are scenes that will make you think (a number of doctors that refuse to say steroids can literally kill you) as there are scenes that will leave you in stitches (illegal immigrants being used to make "all natural" supplements).

The movie really made me think about my feelings on steroids. Do I still consider athletes that use steroids cheaters? Hell yes. Do I think steroid use should be against the law? Now, I don't really know how to answer that question.

Bigger Faster Stronger is one of those independent films that should really rise to the top in a summer flooded with awful movies. I am not saying it will. I am only saying that it should. If you (like me and so many other kids) grew up idolizing Hulk Hogan, were enthralled by the 1998 home run chase, or are a fan of any Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone movies you've got to see this movie! Even if you aren't it's still worth your money. Besides, it's an independent movie, so if you see it at the right theatre you can get a ticket for less than seven bucks.

The Greek gives it an A.

The Love Guru

Here's what you need to know before you go see The Love Guru:

1. Romany Malco is black.
2. Verne Troyer is a midget.
3. Mariska Hargitay has a funny name.
4. A man has a wiener.

These things are all important because they set up the majority of jokes in the film. Sadly (albeit not surprisingly) none of them are funny.

I am not sure who to blame for The Love Guru. The script is bad, so it never should have been given the green light. Mike Myers is really no longer culturally relevant, so there is no reason to believe this movie is going to be a hit. You have to wonder what the studio was thinking. Myers doesn't seem to care at all whether people are laughing, so you have to wonder why he even bothered to make the movie.

This movie left me with a lot of questions. How does Mike Myers still have the clout to get these kind of celebrity cameos (Jessica Simpson, Ben Kingsley, Steven Colbert, Val Kilmer)? Why does his head superimposed onto a 12-year-old body give me the creeps? How many ways (or times for that matter) can they draw a wiener? Why was the audience I saw this with laughing at all?

If you are yet to figure this out, my review is not good. Look, I'll admit there was a time I liked Mike Myers. Wayne's World is my favorite movie ever and when I was fifteen I quoted Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery like it was the Bible. I grew up, though. Myers clearly did not. The Love Guru is a retread of bits, voices, and jokes from the three Austin Powers films. Hell, even Verne Troyer is back.

Is there anything worth laughing at in The Love Guru? Well, Steven Colbert's five minutes on screen (spread out over three scenes) are typical Colbert gold and there are a few funny throw-away lines. They keep me from giving the movie an outright "F," but for the most part no, there really isn't a lot to laugh at. If you're in the mood for some comedy this summer I suggest you either go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Kung Fu Panda again or wait and hope Pineapple Express really is as good as it looks.

Here we are in the middle of June and Iron Man is still the only movie that has even peaked my interest this summer. It confirms my suspicions that 2008 is one of the worst summer blockbuster seasons ever! Thank God Wall*E opens in less than two weeks...but I digress. Back to The Love Guru. It sucks!

The Greek gives it a F+.

Independents Day 1: The Foot Fist Way

This year's summer blockbuster season has provided a few hits, but only one movie (Iron Man) that I would say was worth all of the hype. So, you can understand why I was happy to see my first independent movie of the season.

I had heard a lot about The Foot Fist Way. Truth be told Salt & I saw the red band trailer on funnyordie.com about a month and a half ago and since then have been quoting it to each other. And we're not alone, for as the trailer tells you Will Ferrell and his writing partner Adam McKay have been doing the same thing for the last year and they made it their mission to help The Foot Fist Way find a larger audience.

At first glance, The Foot Fist Way has everything going for it: a comedy superstar as a fan, the star of the movie had a surreal appearance on Conan O'Brien that created great Internet buzz. And did I mention that awesome red band trailer than popped up on funnyordie?



You can see why I was looking forward to this movie, so I jumped in the Murano and made the 15 minute drive from my house in Durham to Chapel Hill. The Varsity on Franklin Street is the only theatre in the Triangle currently showing The Foot Fist Way.

The Foot Fist Way tells the story of Fred Simmons (played perfectly by newcomer Danny McBride), a North Carolina Tae Kwon Do instructor who isn't lacking in self-confidence, but then again most of his admirers are pre-teens. His wife doesn't seem to like him all that much. He doesn't seem to have any friends outside of his dojo and he has trouble dealing with his clients.

The problem with The Foot Fist Way is outside of Fred's 12-year-old assistant Julio (Spencer Moreno) and his best friend Mike McAllister (played by director and North Carolina native Jody Hill) there really aren't any performances on par with McBride's. He's left without anyone to really play off of.

Like most comedies involving Will Ferrell, most of the best material is in the trailer. In fact, the red band trailer is so addictive, that if you plan on seeing the movie I would recommend not checking out the trailer. One viewing is just not enough, and this movie can't afford to give up any laughs.

There is a great scene about mid way through the movie when Fred and Mike take Julio and another student to meet their hero Chuck "the Truck" Wallace (Ben Best, who you might recognize from the party scene of Superbad). It involves some Tae Kwon Do and 12-year-old Julio eating cocaine. I realize that if you're a parent the thought of a 12-year-old on coke doesn't seem funny, but trust me, this movie pulls it off. Twenty minutes later there is a great confrontation between Fred and his wife Suzie (Mary Jane Bostic). I laughed only once in the time between the two scenes.

I hate to report it, but The Foot Fist Way is probably the most disappointing thing I've seen all summer. Yes, more disappointing than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Not worse mind you, just more disappointing. The cast and crew is already getting their next big shot. Will Ferrell has signed on to produce East Bound and Down, a movie about a burned out major league pitcher that returns to his hometown to teach junior high P.E. written by Best and Hill and starring McBride. That actually makes me happy, because The Foot Fist Way showed some promise. The funny moments were laugh out loud hilarious. I just wish there were more than six of them in the whole movie.

The Greek gives it a C+.

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Before you go any further in reading this review, you'll notice that I have changed the score for Ironman from a B to an A-. It seems this summer I am gonna have to score everything in relation to what else is out there, and we've had two weeks of major releases that are not meant for adults in any way, shape, or form. So, congrats Ironman!

Now onto Indy! I have to admit, my expectations for this movie could not have been any lower. I saw the three Star Wars prequels, so I am weary of anything with George Lucas' name on it. If I said I was a fan of Steven Spielberg at all, you would have every right to call me a liar. And in all honesty, I think I'm the only guy on the planet that doesn't really like Harrison Ford unless he's playing Han Solo. All that said, I didn't hate this movie.

Let's start with a little history. Before Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was even a blip on the radar of film executives, there were two other Indy scripts that never made it into production. One was called Indiana Jones and the Monkey God. The other was called Indiana Jones & the Saucer Men from Mars. I tell you this, because one of these scripts was obviously recycled to create Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. By the way, because I found this online, I'll share some concept art from The Saucer Men from Mars with you.

It's kind of hard to review this movie as a whole. The first thirty minutes were very boring. The middle wasn't great, but it was a lot of fun. The end was so cheesy it could have been ordered from Domino's.

The returning cast was solid. Harrison Ford is as snarky as ever as Dr. Henry Jones Jr. In fact, the only real humor in the new movie comes from Indy's one-liners. For all of the talk about how horribly Karen Allen has aged, she doesn't look terrible.



And she can still hold her own as Marion.

The problem is the new cast. Shia LeBouf isn't a bad actor. He just picks cheesy, awful roles. For the most part his character Mutt Williams is no exception. Mutt is a stereotype of a 50s greaser - always riding a motorcycle, combing his hair, and playing with a switchblade.

I did learn a few things about 50s motorcycle etiquette from his character. For instance, in the 1950s motorcycles were apparently fast enough to catch trains and you could ride them on train platforms, airport tarmacs and through university libraries without anyone batting an eye.

The worst new character is Irina Spalko, a Soviet scientist and mentalist played by Cate Blanchett, who I'm told is a great actress. Either she forgot how to act, or there are two Cate Blanchettes in the world, because the person playing Spalko looks like Lily Tomlin and couldn't decide whether she was supposed to speak with a Russian, German, or British accent.

The problem with Steven Spielberg sequels is rather than try to create a new stories with familiar characters, Spielberg tries to sneak in as many callbacks to the previous films in the series as possible. That is certainly the case here until we get to a chase scene that includes a very entertaining battle between Mutt & Irina, a scene that leads you to believe the line "Monkeys. Why did it have to be monkeys?" is imminent, and then a scene that let's you know the signature line of the next movie in the series will be "Ants. Why did it have to be ants?"



Here's what I'll say: if you're a big fan of the Indiana Jones series, then you have to see Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in theatres. The scenery and battle sequences are big and there's no real way to enjoy them if they aren't on a giant screen. If you're a casual fan wait for the DVD release. The movie is 2 hours and 4 minutes long, and it would have been just as good (if not better) if it were half as long.

The Greek gives it a C+

Iron Man

As far as comic book movies go, I tend to only see the ones featuring characters I loved when I was a kid (Spider-Man, XMen, etc.). Occasionally I take a risk on a story I'm not so familiar with and am left wanting my $9.50 and 2 hours back (Sin City - send your hate mail here) and sometimes I am very happy with the risk I took (Hellboy).

Iron Man falls somewhere in between. I watched the Fox Saturday morning cartoon as a kid, but other than the fact that Iron Man was red and yellow and his secret identity is Tony Stark I really couldn't tell you that much about the guy. So, I was intrigued when I heard the folks at Paramount were bringing Stark Industries' greatest creation to the big screen, but I didn't feel like I had to rush right out and see the movie on opening weekend.

Then two things happened that made that decision easy. First, Paramount released one kick ass trailer for the movie.



And then I got tickets to a sneak preview for free, so I knew I would at least be getting my money's worth.

Well, I am glad to report that I got my money's worth and a whole lot more. There was no doubt in my mind that Robert Downey Jr. was gonna be great as Tony Stark. The character is a hard drinking, womanizing, smart-assed playboy. The only other option that would have been even close to that perfect is Charlie Sheen. I will say that, while Downey was great, director John Favreau nearly turned his performance into a Vince Vaughn impression.

Gwenyth Paltrow as Pepper Potts made for better eye candy than I expected.



The special effects were great. The story, which in the comic had to do with the Vietnam War, has been updated nicely bringing the War on Terror and the moral ambiguity that goes along with it.

If Iron Man has any problem, it isn't the fault of the film. It is that movie audiences might not be willing to suspend disbelief in the same way that comic book fans are. So when Tony/Iron Man goes on a mission to destroy all of the missals he used to make, you might think a really well put together movie just turned into an early 90s Van Damme flick.

I liked the movie a lot - and I had high hopes for this film, so I was prepared to be disappointed. Go see the movie. It's worth your money. You'll want to find someone else who has seen the movie so you can quote lines and talk about how cool the explosions are.

The Greek gives it a A-.